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Madame Web

I'm a deeply sick, disturbed man. Multiple people told me DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. Saying those words are like catnip to me. I was gonna watch it. All I needed was time and opportunity. Over the labor day weekend, I was doing chores. Okay, I was putting comic boards into comic bags for my haul for the last couple of weeks. I figured, I'm doing something mindless, let me watch a mindless movie.

That's when I found the time for this movie. Is this movie as bad as they said? Yes. Absolutely. It was a waste of my time, but I wasn't raging at the stupidness of this movie like I thought I would. I was laughing because I couldn't believe this was a serious movie made with real money. This movie is par for the course on the terribleness of all the Sony Spider-Man properties. I'm excluding the last two Venom movies because I haven't watched them yet, but I have no doubt they are equally terrible.


Let's get into my thoughts:

  • I've never seen anyone with less charisma or more bored line delivery than Dakota Johnson. I don't understand how she keeps getting cast in movies. She had the same line delievery the whole movie. Bored indifference. She went to the Paul Walker school of acting.
  • For a movie with Spider-people (kind of) this movie's devoid of any real action scenes. A couple of boring ass chase scenes do not count.
  • Adam Scott, what are you even doing here? That's the whole comment.
  • Sydney Sweeney. I'd rank her #2 next to Dakota Johnson. She's also someone who I don't understand how they keep getting acting roles. Her acting is also stiff.
  • The whole premise of the movie is a guy has a dream that one day in 20 years, some young girls are going to kill him? So he spends all his resources based ON A DREAM. WHAT?!
  • The origin of this movie is as dumb as the origin in Morbius. Let's go to South America and get powers from weird animals.
  • The CG stuntmen in the action scenes are terrible. Any spider-man type jumping looks goofy as hell.
  • The convoluted way they get to Madame Web (I forgot her name and I don't care to look it up) is also stupid. The Final Destination movies did premonition stuff better. They go to that narrative device way too many times here.
  • This movie did a poor job making me care about anyone. The main characters are getting chased and meh. Didn't care.
  • I'm glad Isabella Merced moved on to bigger and better things. (Superman and Last of Us). She is the only actor I liked in this movie. 
  • I've never seen a more boring climax in an "action" movie. And leaving Madame Web looking like Professor X at the end. Well okay then.
There's so many dumb things in this movie I know I am missing them all. I would tell you to avoid this movie at all costs, but maybe you have the same, sick problem I do. You WANT to watch the bad stuff. I'm glad I never paid money to see this, but I did pay with my valuable time.

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