Transformers: Rise of the Beasts

A few weeks ago, because we have Paramount Plus now, I finally got around to watching this movie that came and went over the summer. If you missed it, let me save you the trouble with this review. Don't bother unless you're a sucker for punishment like I am. It's amazing the sunk cost I have with these live action Transformer movies and I keep going back. I KNOW I have a problem. That's on me. Let's hope you're not with me, because misery loves company.

First of all, God love Peter Cullen. Here he is like 40 years later, still giving voice to Optimus Prime. I hate that they trotted him back out for this movie. Like Kevin Conroy, he is always the definitive voice of this character. However, it's time we all faced reality and accept that they need to get new blood. These movies hurt my soul because these movies always make Optimus look like a completely incompetent leader and I hate hearing the voice of my childhood attached to that.

Who knows what the timeline is for all these damn Transformer movies. This one is set in the 90's so it is a lazy excuse to shoehorn in any 90's song you can think of. I hate seeing Wu-Tang getting abused like this.

This movie CLEARLY wasn't working with the budget of it's predecessors. The Transformers looked real bad to me. Like, obvious CG and didn't blend great with the scenery bad. I still don't like the design aesthetic they use for all the transformers in robot form. They are looking like some sinewy ass robots. The robot generator chose "Lithe" as the body type and then you move the slider up and down for height. We also get a smaller, lazy ass lineup of Transformers for either side. For the Autobots we have Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Mirage and Arcee and [name forgotten and I don't care to do the research]. Okay, real quick. That last one was a giant plane. But not just any plane, an old man plane. They did this joke in past movies. Maybe it was the same guy, don't know, don't care. Point is, it makes no sense to have senile transformers like this. It's like a bunch of dude-bros wrote this with a crack focus group.

For the....not Decepticons, we have... I don't remember and I didn't want to look it up. Menacing names like Crusher or Blazer or something I'm sure. It doesn't really matter. Going back to the Autobots, I'm so tired of every other movie, Bumblebee is like a damsel in distress or taken off the board because the heels have to get over on someone, so it's always Bumblebee taking the fall. (The following was a wrestling joke for the uninitiated. Here's your mansplainy explanation for the article.) He's the most beloved, but the one they consistently sacrifice.

I know the film tries to make you feel for the characters, but you really don't. Optimus is pretty damn unlikeable, Mirage is annoying as hell and Arcee doesn't get enough to do other than being the "female" Autobot. Then we get the Maximals. The only real reason you care is because the wonderful Michelle Yeoh is here. That's it. I'll admit, I NEVER cared for Beast Wars. I just couldn't.

I've been on a rant here and haven't said anything concrete about the movie. It's bad y'all. It's annoying. It's bland. They bring in Unicron, but who cares at this point? The earth gets destroyed every movie, so why is this any different. And it takes the power of friendship between a weak ass collection of Autobots and humans (they always have to play a factor in these movies, which is beyond annoying). The only thing this movie does right is be merciful, clocking in at a shade over two hours. 

Michael Bay not directing fixes some of the problems, but what he created was expanded upon here and that's never a good thing. So I guess we can say the first movie and Bumblebee are the only good movies out of the SEVEN that they have done. I love Transformers, but I hate these movies so much. I only have myself to blame for continuing to watch them. I may not be spending money to see them in theaters, but I spent time and that is a more valuable commodity to me.