Transformers: Rise of the Beasts

A few weeks ago, because we have Paramount Plus now, I finally got around to watching this movie that came and went over the summer. If you missed it, let me save you the trouble with this review. Don't bother unless you're a sucker for punishment like I am. It's amazing the sunk cost I have with these live action Transformer movies and I keep going back. I KNOW I have a problem. That's on me. Let's hope you're not with me, because misery loves company.

First of all, God love Peter Cullen. Here he is like 40 years later, still giving voice to Optimus Prime. I hate that they trotted him back out for this movie. Like Kevin Conroy, he is always the definitive voice of this character. However, it's time we all faced reality and accept that they need to get new blood. These movies hurt my soul because these movies always make Optimus look like a completely incompetent leader and I hate hearing the voice of my childhood attached to that.

Who knows what the timeline is for all these damn Transformer movies. This one is set in the 90's so it is a lazy excuse to shoehorn in any 90's song you can think of. I hate seeing Wu-Tang getting abused like this.

This movie CLEARLY wasn't working with the budget of it's predecessors. The Transformers looked real bad to me. Like, obvious CG and didn't blend great with the scenery bad. I still don't like the design aesthetic they use for all the transformers in robot form. They are looking like some sinewy ass robots. The robot generator chose "Lithe" as the body type and then you move the slider up and down for height. We also get a smaller, lazy ass lineup of Transformers for either side. For the Autobots we have Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Mirage and Arcee and [name forgotten and I don't care to do the research]. Okay, real quick. That last one was a giant plane. But not just any plane, an old man plane. They did this joke in past movies. Maybe it was the same guy, don't know, don't care. Point is, it makes no sense to have senile transformers like this. It's like a bunch of dude-bros wrote this with a crack focus group.

For the....not Decepticons, we have... I don't remember and I didn't want to look it up. Menacing names like Crusher or Blazer or something I'm sure. It doesn't really matter. Going back to the Autobots, I'm so tired of every other movie, Bumblebee is like a damsel in distress or taken off the board because the heels have to get over on someone, so it's always Bumblebee taking the fall. (The following was a wrestling joke for the uninitiated. Here's your mansplainy explanation for the article.) He's the most beloved, but the one they consistently sacrifice.

I know the film tries to make you feel for the characters, but you really don't. Optimus is pretty damn unlikeable, Mirage is annoying as hell and Arcee doesn't get enough to do other than being the "female" Autobot. Then we get the Maximals. The only real reason you care is because the wonderful Michelle Yeoh is here. That's it. I'll admit, I NEVER cared for Beast Wars. I just couldn't.

I've been on a rant here and haven't said anything concrete about the movie. It's bad y'all. It's annoying. It's bland. They bring in Unicron, but who cares at this point? The earth gets destroyed every movie, so why is this any different. And it takes the power of friendship between a weak ass collection of Autobots and humans (they always have to play a factor in these movies, which is beyond annoying). The only thing this movie does right is be merciful, clocking in at a shade over two hours. 

Michael Bay not directing fixes some of the problems, but what he created was expanded upon here and that's never a good thing. So I guess we can say the first movie and Bumblebee are the only good movies out of the SEVEN that they have done. I love Transformers, but I hate these movies so much. I only have myself to blame for continuing to watch them. I may not be spending money to see them in theaters, but I spent time and that is a more valuable commodity to me.

Loki: Season 2

Although I finished this weeks ago, I'm just now getting around to writing about it. What you can take about that is my "meh" feeling with Marvel shows that leaves me ready to move past them, rather than talk about them. But then I'm not doing my duty for YOU dear reader, so let me give you my thoughts.

Like the first season of Loki, I thought this was okay. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. What I respect about it, unlike the other shows, is it has this water cooler effect to it that I can't explain. To be more specific, it feels like appointment viewing and then you want to talk about it with your friends or co-workers and then guess about what happens next. Out of ALLLLLLLLLLLL the shows that Marvel has done, this show and Wandavision are the only ones I felt this with. It probably has something to do with the fact that these shows usually have the potential to change the overarching narrative of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU).

So does this show do that? Well, yes and no. The series has done a great job of creating a redemption arc for this version of Loki and we've watched him struggle with trying to be better from the first episode of the series. In this season, he makes the ultimate sacrifice and although I won't say what that was, this MIGHT have implications for the larger MCU. I say might because I have zero faith in Marvel and what they are doing right now. They have been stumbling into good content. Phase 5 has been a nightmare, with no real direction.

So let me start with what I didn't like. This show is six episodes, but there are long stretches that it feels middling. This show wants to go go go because there is a big crisis coming, but it takes it's time getting there and makes us sit in their character moments for too long. I like character development as much as the next guy, but this show didn't add a whole lot of new stuff to them. I know we had questions about what Mobius and the rest of the TVA were up to before they "joined" the TVA, but I don't think we needed to see it. When Mobius kept talking about water skis, I didn't WANT to see why. It's an interesting quirk, but I don't need it explained like we got. It is okay to leave stuff to our imagination.

Also, some of the situations just felt contrived. The major issue of the season is solving how to fix the time stream going through a time loom. Something that took up about three episodes. I think the problem with a show like this, with the stakes being as high as they are, you know it's going to get fixed, so the sense of drama isn't really there like they think. The only thing you're wondering is what lengths Loki is going to go to in order to fix it. After all this, it's not like he's NOT going to fix it. The search for Sylvie, really didn't affect too much in the end. At least that's what I remember. Gimme a break, it's been a few weeks. For me, that might as well be years. I watch a lot of shit. What also irks me is that at times, Loki acts as a regular dude, then remembers he has powers. The show found a way to nerf him in weird ways. 

One of the things I've liked about this show, although it makes no sense, is this weird, 50's aesthetic everything has. You don't normally see that with any sci-fi show when time travel is involved, but they have their own unique style and they stick to it, never wavering. I can respect that.

The strongest part of the show that I liked, were the actors. This is a great cast and they all play well off each other. Tom Hiddleston has been putting on a clinic in this series and with his time playing Loki coming to an end, it's been a fun journey and he has easily been Marvel's best villain (turned hero). Jonathan Majors is back in dual roles, playing Victor Timely and then Kang. The stark difference between their portrayal really shows his range and I hope he gets to stick around. Yes, I know he's in legal trouble, so we'll wait for that to play out. I will also keep my thoughts to myself.

I've never liked Owen Wilson more than I do here. He is as understated as can be and that's a good thing. And no, please don't point me to other stuff he's done, I don't care THAT much. Let me just have this show. 

The other thing I liked, even though I complained about how contrived some of the situations are, I'm a sucker for time travel story and that is here as well. It's really used to good effect in the last episode. Even though it's been weeks, I'm not going to reveal any of the twists. I'm not a monster.

Like the first season, I kept waiting for something big that effects the entire MCU. Although something big does happen, it's not what I was expecting. Let me say this though, folks. The multi-verse is here to say, whether we want it or not. 

Would I recommend this? Eh, it's definitely not the worst thing in the Marvel. This has been one of the more bright spots in the million TV shows that Marvel has put out because this one actually means something in the larger universe right now, doesn't go outside of it's budget and has wonderful acting.