Batman Returns - Retro Review

*Editors note: I wrote this over a year ago and didn't get around to posting it. I'm not editing any of my past tense because what fun would that be. Imagine I posted this in 2024. **

A year or two ago, I tried to convince my wife (and myself), that Batman Returns was a Christmas movie. I insisted we watch it, holding this movie in high regard from my childhood. We never finished it then, but a few weeks ago, we did.

Let me tell you, your childhood can lie to you. Nostalgia is a potent drug. It makes you forget things. Halfway through the movie, all I could think is, "This movie is so damn stupid." Or "I think I hate this movie."

I forgot that maybe a decade ago, I did this same exercise, fooling myself into thinking this was a worthy successor to Batman. It isn't. It's not close. I'm going to get into my reasoning for this. If I were to describe this movie with one word, it'd be bizzare.

After the success of the first movie, it's like Warner Brothers told Tim Burton he could make the movie he really wanted and Burton made this movie like it was going to be the last one of his life. I would argue that THIS movie was the beginning of the downfall that lead to the franchise being shelved for a few years until Christopher Nolan came along. Don't get me wrong, those Schumacer ones are the stuff of legend in how bad they are, but this movie gave us the "Not one, but TWO villains." concept for these damn movies. 

Let me get to my specific dislikes about this movie. First of all, the feel and mood of this movie skews more Burton and less that first Batman movie. He was more restrained in that first one, but this feels like the kind of movie he WANTED To make after earning the studios trust. Maybe this movie lit all that on fire. Is it true? I dunno, but I also don't feel like looking it up either.

All the fight scenes and set pieces are framed in such a goofy way. The first Batman at least tried to stay in the realm of slight believablity. Here, Batman is killing dudes with impunity. Catwoman's strange origin. Carnival clowns are leaping all over the place and he has a bat-vehicle for every situation, as if he's trying to sell toys. (He is.) 

Batman is a lot more chatty and giving one liners now? He was menacing in the first movie, here, he's a brooding goofball. I guess they wanted to let Michael Keaton be Beetlejuice with a different costume. The overarching story with Max Shreck, Penguin and Catwoman is just bonkers. This also started the unfortunate trend of double villains that would continue to doom these movies until Christopher Nolan comes along and decides to do it right.

The architecture of Gotham is coo-coo bananas as well. No sane architect would ever build shit like this. Yes, I know it gets worse in the later movies. My point is, it's starting here. In regards to the villains, in the first movie, Joker was chaotic and just wanted to kill people. Penguin wanted to steal children and do a ham-fisted frame job on Batman. And yes, I know I'm being extremely reductive. Which side note, the fact he was able to turn Gotham against Batman so easily maybe says a little bit about Batman, huh? Catwoman's motivation on the other hand, 100% warranted. She just got drawn in to the Penguin's ridiculous plans. 

Speaking of those two, at their core, Penguin and Catwoman are sympathetic characters, but they dial up their evilness to an 11 and it makes you forget about their tragic backstories.

Now to be fair, there was some good in this movie. I thought the performances from the main actors (Keaton, Pffifer, DeVito, Walken) were really good. It's as if they were like, "This movie is a mess, but I'm going to have fun with my part." They all deserved better. Despite the goofy dialogue he is given, I still feel like Keaton is the best live action Batman. I make this distinction because Kevin Conroy in all the animated and video game adapations is THE definitive Batman. Going back to Keaton, when he's in the Batman costume, just something about his eyes (they tell the story) make him menacing, when his physical stature doesn't. He looks THROUGH people.

If you have fond memories of this movie and you hold it in high regard, take my advice, never watch it again. Hold on to those memories, because this will not hold up to it. It is WEIRD.

Superman (2025)

I finally got around to watching the most recent Superman and I definitely have thoughts. I'm still processing them, but this I do know. I wanted to love this movie more than I did. At the end, I was like, "This was good, but not great." It's not beating Fantastic Four as my comic book movie of the year. 

Before I get to my thoughts, I want to lead with this and be up front. I'm not a huge fan of James Gunn. I've liked some of his movies/shows (Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 1, Peacemaker) and disliked others (Guardians 2 and 3, THE Suicide Squad). I haven't watched Creature Commanders and I'm leaving out previous movies like Slither and the many others I'm sure someone will call out.

I don't like his music choices. I don't always love his comedy beats. I don't always love how he films action scenes. This movie had a lot of what I like from him and what I don't like. 

One thing I will say and it might sound like tepid praise based on what I've said so far, but I think this is the best Superman film by far. Unfortunately, Superman is a character that has had a string of middling to bad movies. I also recently watched the first one with Christopher Reeve with my spouse and it was not as good as I remember. I'll have a full review on that one day, when I sit down to write it. Here's my quick thoughts on the Superman movies starting with the Christopher Reeve. I'm ignore anything before 1978 because I want to.

1. Superman (1978) - It is better in your memories. You have to wait FIFTY minutes before he is in costume. That also means that's how long you wait before seeing Christopher Reeve. Superman's origin is not that deep and yet the movie makes you sit through it all. I also do not like that ending.
2. Superman II - This used to be my favorite movie (as a KID) until I rewatched it a decade ago. I had rose colored glasses. It's not great. The Donner cut doesn't make it THAT much better.
3. Superman III - A villain not worthy of Superman. A waste of Richard Pryor. Christopher Reeve remains the only good thing.
4. Superman IV - Holy shit. Christopher Reeve does his best, but this movie killed the franchise for decades.
5. Superman Returns - A try hard movie. Now they're doing everything they can to recapture the magic of Christopher Reeve, but with a modern twist. Look, Superman has a bastard child.
6. Man of Steel - Zack Snyder doesn't get Superman at all and it shows in this movie. There were a lot of artistic...choices, made in this movie.
7. Batman V. Superman - Batman's name comes first. Tells you all you need to know.

With that being said, let's get on with it.

• My first unpopular opinion. I do not like Krypto in this movie. At all. They might as well have named him Deus Ex Machina, because that is the role he plays. He was around entirely too much. I don't hate dogs, but this is ridiculous. Congrats for getting him on the big screen I guess.
• David Corenswet continues the long line of perfect, Superman/Clark Kent casting. I think the only outlier in all live action stuff will come as no surprise. We know who that is: Dean Cain. I think this is the most human we've seen Superman portrayed on screen. He had more emotions than crying, angry or happy. They got across that he was a guy that is pained by the people turning on him when all he wanted to truly do was help people. We got a whole arc out of this.
• With all that being said, I don't like how quickly people turned on Superman. Maybe this reflects what would happen in real life, but I'm trying to escape that! Then at the end it was like, "Ooop, my bad." If I was Superman, I would let those fickle humans deal with things themselves.
• From the early trailers, I was worried there'd be too many heroes that take away from Superman. It didn't necessarily feel like that, thankfully.
• Speaking of those heroes, the choice of Guy Gardner, Hawkgirl and Mister Terrific (and later Metamorpho) is NOT who I would have chosen as choices for this movie, but I'm glad that James did. He showcased a bunch of heroes non-comic fans might not be aware of and this can serve as an intro to them. They were all interesting without being overbearing.
• Quick note about Metamorpho, his pratcical costume was AMAZING. Great job by the team.
• I would have really liked to see more Daily Planet stuff than what we got. While I'm happy they went heavy on Superman and less on Clark Kent, I wanted to see more of Perry White (played by the Wire's Wendel Pierce!), Jimmy Olsen and a very great Lois Lane.
• I did not enjoy a lot of the action scenes here. A lot of them were extremely CG heavy. I'm specifically talking about Superman focused fight scenes. I didn't enjoy that whole sequence in Luthor's prison dimension (the back and forth in the proton lake) or the fight scene with the two luthor henchman at the end. I love Mr. Terrific, but I didn't love his big fight scene either. There's an overuse of spinning around, slowdown, etc. in these fight scenes and they don't need it.
• On the flip side, I did like the fight scene at the end with Guy and Hawkgirl. They were used effectively in that scene.
• I really liked Clark's parents and they felt Kansas folksy, unlike the past attempt of other films. They truly felt like concerned parents. Probably the most geniune part of the movie. Kudos.
• Clark/Superman also felt appropriately folksy and a little corny. He wasn't trying to be too cool for school. He's always called a boy scout and he felt like that in this movie. He goes way out of his way to be good.
• While Gunn is able to bring touching moments and humanity to his characters, he can't help himself with some of his comedic beats. Specifically when he's trying to cut the tension with a quip or something funny. I liked it in Guardians of the Galaxy in 2014, I don't want that now. The most specific scene that comes to mind is when Lois and Mr. Terrific are opening a hangar to get to his special ship and the door opens super slowly. I love this absurdist stuff in Peacemaker, a show inheriently silly. I don't want it here.

Overall, I think it's a great introduction to what James Gunn wants to do with the new DC Cinematic Universe. From what I've seen, he's taking time to build it up slowly and starting with characters you wouldn't expect. He at least has a respect for the characters and I think this is a good thing going forward.

Kraven

What in the blue hell? Sony has just been scraping the bottom of the barrel to meet the requirements to keep the Spider-Man properties. No one in their right mind would want a Kraven movie, but here we are. Down is up, up is down. 

I've said this before, I'm kind of a movie mascochist. No one makes me do this. I do this to myself. After enduring Madame Web, I had to move on down the list to this movie. It is everything I thought it was. A stupid movie, but there's something more at work here. Lemme get into it.

• I feel for the lead star, Aaron Taylor-Johnson. He clearly bulked up for the role and really thought it was going to be something special. This movie is not going to help his case. He's fine, but this is a dumb movie and you're the face of it, bro.
• Remember how I said you can tell Aaron bulked up? Yeah, he walks around like a guy that just did arm day at the gym. The way he poses and all his action scenes are there to show off his work. Good job, my guy.
• Do you also remember when Russel Crowe was somebody? Hard to tell with this movie. Can't fault him for picking up a check. To be fair, he did to the last Thor movie. Bet the check for that one was bigger than this?
• I know Ariana Debose is better than this. Hard to tell from this movie. I know the script is terrible, but you gotta make lemons out of lemonade. She did not do that at all.
• Some of the hand to hand fight stuff was cool, but by and large, the action was very ridiculous. Very clear wire work that was amateurish. I don't need to see ol' boy "jumping" around like an animal. 
• Kraven got his powers from some magical potion, but they went out of their way to show a lion's blood dripping into his open wound...for what? He's now part lion? Get outta here. The origin is already ridiculous. This is like putting a hat on a hat.
• They name drop Miles Warren. Us comic nerds know him as the Jackyl. The guy that made the Spider Clones and other convient sciencey nonsense for bad guys. This is important for the rest of my critique. 
• Comic books are great because you can have goofy ass characters and don't have to explain everything. Then filming geniuses want to take those characters and make them more realistic, in turn making them completely stupid. So in this movie we had "Rhino". He looks stupid visually, they save the money shot of him to the end and it's still ridiculous. This movie does not need him. Oh, he was given his powers by Miles Warren.
• They were a little more subtle with Kraven's brother, Dimitri. As I was watching, I was like, "Wait, are they doing The Chameleon?". He kept having dialogue saying he always just blends into the background, it's what he's best at. He even specifically says he's like a Chameleon, hitting the nerds over the head with a hammer, like we couldn't pick up what was happening. At the end of the movie (spoiler!) he becomes the next big bad and can now shape shift. Where did he get these powers? Miles Warren.
• Because this movie wants to stuff in as many C-Tier Spider-Man characters as they can, we also get a bad guy named, the Foriegner. He's a blink and you miss it bad guy, but in this movie he gets a glow up. He has mind control or something. They present his powers weird and I don't care to do any research. Maybe he also got his powers from Miles Warren, but I don't care to double check that. Ultimately, he means nothing in the grand scheme of the movie.
• The whole movie is set up to serve the iconic "Kraven sitting in a chair" shot. It felt like they were checking the box, as it serves ZERO purpose.

This movie is as terrible as you think it is. I say this movie is worse than Madame Web only because it tries so much harder. Madame Web was lazy and didn't give two shits about what you thought. This movie is trying really hard to impress you and in doing so, fails miserably. Look at my cool action scenes, bro! Nah, I'm good.

Madame Web

I'm a deeply sick, disturbed man. Multiple people told me DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. Saying those words are like catnip to me. I was gonna watch it. All I needed was time and opportunity. Over the labor day weekend, I was doing chores. Okay, I was putting comic boards into comic bags for my haul for the last couple of weeks. I figured, I'm doing something mindless, let me watch a mindless movie.

That's when I found the time for this movie. Is this movie as bad as they said? Yes. Absolutely. It was a waste of my time, but I wasn't raging at the stupidness of this movie like I thought I would. I was laughing because I couldn't believe this was a serious movie made with real money. This movie is par for the course on the terribleness of all the Sony Spider-Man properties. I'm excluding the last two Venom movies because I haven't watched them yet, but I have no doubt they are equally terrible.

Let's get into my thoughts:

• I've never seen anyone with less charisma or more bored line delivery than Dakota Johnson. I don't understand how she keeps getting cast in movies. She had the same line delievery the whole movie. Bored indifference. She went to the Paul Walker school of acting.
• For a movie with Spider-people (kind of) this movie's devoid of any real action scenes. A couple of boring ass chase scenes do not count.
• Adam Scott, what are you even doing here? That's the whole comment.
• Sydney Sweeney. I'd rank her #2 next to Dakota Johnson. She's also someone who I don't understand how they keep getting acting roles. Her acting is also stiff.
• The whole premise of the movie is a guy has a dream that one day in 20 years, some young girls are going to kill him? So he spends all his resources based ON A DREAM. WHAT?!
• The origin of this movie is as dumb as the origin in Morbius. Let's go to South America and get powers from weird animals.
• The CG stuntmen in the action scenes are terrible. Any spider-man type jumping looks goofy as hell.
• The convoluted way they get to Madame Web (I forgot her name and I don't care to look it up) is also stupid. The Final Destination movies did premonition stuff better. They go to that narrative device way too many times here.
• This movie did a poor job making me care about anyone. The main characters are getting chased and meh. Didn't care.
• I'm glad Isabella Merced moved on to bigger and better things. (Superman and Last of Us). She is the only actor I liked in this movie. 
• I've never seen a more boring climax in an "action" movie. And leaving Madame Web looking like Professor X at the end. Well okay then.

There's so many dumb things in this movie I know I am missing them all. I would tell you to avoid this movie at all costs, but maybe you have the same, sick problem I do. You WANT to watch the bad stuff. I'm glad I never paid money to see this, but I did pay with my valuable time.