Kraven

What in the blue hell? Sony has just been scraping the bottom of the barrel to meet the requirements to keep the Spider-Man properties. No one in their right mind would want a Kraven movie, but here we are. Down is up, up is down. 

I've said this before, I'm kind of a movie mascochist. No one makes me do this. I do this to myself. After enduring Madame Web, I had to move on down the list to this movie. It is everything I thought it was. A stupid movie, but there's something more at work here. Lemme get into it.

• I feel for the lead star, Aaron Taylor-Johnson. He clearly bulked up for the role and really thought it was going to be something special. This movie is not going to help his case. He's fine, but this is a dumb movie and you're the face of it, bro.
• Remember how I said you can tell Aaron bulked up? Yeah, he walks around like a guy that just did arm day at the gym. The way he poses and all his action scenes are there to show off his work. Good job, my guy.
• Do you also remember when Russel Crowe was somebody? Hard to tell with this movie. Can't fault him for picking up a check. To be fair, he did to the last Thor movie. Bet the check for that one was bigger than this?
• I know Ariana Debose is better than this. Hard to tell from this movie. I know the script is terrible, but you gotta make lemons out of lemonade. She did not do that at all.
• Some of the hand to hand fight stuff was cool, but by and large, the action was very ridiculous. Very clear wire work that was amateurish. I don't need to see ol' boy "jumping" around like an animal. 
• Kraven got his powers from some magical potion, but they went out of their way to show a lion's blood dripping into his open wound...for what? He's now part lion? Get outta here. The origin is already ridiculous. This is like putting a hat on a hat.
• They name drop Miles Warren. Us comic nerds know him as the Jackyl. The guy that made the Spider Clones and other convient sciencey nonsense for bad guys. This is important for the rest of my critique. 
• Comic books are great because you can have goofy ass characters and don't have to explain everything. Then filming geniuses want to take those characters and make them more realistic, in turn making them completely stupid. So in this movie we had "Rhino". He looks stupid visually, they save the money shot of him to the end and it's still ridiculous. This movie does not need him. Oh, he was given his powers by Miles Warren.
• They were a little more subtle with Kraven's brother, Dimitri. As I was watching, I was like, "Wait, are they doing The Chameleon?". He kept having dialogue saying he always just blends into the background, it's what he's best at. He even specifically says he's like a Chameleon, hitting the nerds over the head with a hammer, like we couldn't pick up what was happening. At the end of the movie (spoiler!) he becomes the next big bad and can now shape shift. Where did he get these powers? Miles Warren.
• Because this movie wants to stuff in as many C-Tier Spider-Man characters as they can, we also get a bad guy named, the Foriegner. He's a blink and you miss it bad guy, but in this movie he gets a glow up. He has mind control or something. They present his powers weird and I don't care to do any research. Maybe he also got his powers from Miles Warren, but I don't care to double check that. Ultimately, he means nothing in the grand scheme of the movie.
• The whole movie is set up to serve the iconic "Kraven sitting in a chair" shot. It felt like they were checking the box, as it serves ZERO purpose.

This movie is as terrible as you think it is. I say this movie is worse than Madame Web only because it tries so much harder. Madame Web was lazy and didn't give two shits about what you thought. This movie is trying really hard to impress you and in doing so, fails miserably. Look at my cool action scenes, bro! Nah, I'm good.

Madame Web

I'm a deeply sick, disturbed man. Multiple people told me DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. Saying those words are like catnip to me. I was gonna watch it. All I needed was time and opportunity. Over the labor day weekend, I was doing chores. Okay, I was putting comic boards into comic bags for my haul for the last couple of weeks. I figured, I'm doing something mindless, let me watch a mindless movie.

That's when I found the time for this movie. Is this movie as bad as they said? Yes. Absolutely. It was a waste of my time, but I wasn't raging at the stupidness of this movie like I thought I would. I was laughing because I couldn't believe this was a serious movie made with real money. This movie is par for the course on the terribleness of all the Sony Spider-Man properties. I'm excluding the last two Venom movies because I haven't watched them yet, but I have no doubt they are equally terrible.

Let's get into my thoughts:

• I've never seen anyone with less charisma or more bored line delivery than Dakota Johnson. I don't understand how she keeps getting cast in movies. She had the same line delievery the whole movie. Bored indifference. She went to the Paul Walker school of acting.
• For a movie with Spider-people (kind of) this movie's devoid of any real action scenes. A couple of boring ass chase scenes do not count.
• Adam Scott, what are you even doing here? That's the whole comment.
• Sydney Sweeney. I'd rank her #2 next to Dakota Johnson. She's also someone who I don't understand how they keep getting acting roles. Her acting is also stiff.
• The whole premise of the movie is a guy has a dream that one day in 20 years, some young girls are going to kill him? So he spends all his resources based ON A DREAM. WHAT?!
• The origin of this movie is as dumb as the origin in Morbius. Let's go to South America and get powers from weird animals.
• The CG stuntmen in the action scenes are terrible. Any spider-man type jumping looks goofy as hell.
• The convoluted way they get to Madame Web (I forgot her name and I don't care to look it up) is also stupid. The Final Destination movies did premonition stuff better. They go to that narrative device way too many times here.
• This movie did a poor job making me care about anyone. The main characters are getting chased and meh. Didn't care.
• I'm glad Isabella Merced moved on to bigger and better things. (Superman and Last of Us). She is the only actor I liked in this movie. 
• I've never seen a more boring climax in an "action" movie. And leaving Madame Web looking like Professor X at the end. Well okay then.

There's so many dumb things in this movie I know I am missing them all. I would tell you to avoid this movie at all costs, but maybe you have the same, sick problem I do. You WANT to watch the bad stuff. I'm glad I never paid money to see this, but I did pay with my valuable time.

Eyes of Wakanda

Here's the show you probably haven't heard about because now Disney wants to act like they don't want to talk about any of the non-white shows that they have. If that above sentence triggered you in some way, you haven't paying attention how some big companies bury mention of their content to stay off the radar of the current administration. Never mind that the use of the word "woke" is been completely co-opted in the wrong way. 

They also moved up the original release date without any warning. Ryan Coogler is big time now and if you want to make money, you announce his projects. After the next Black Panther movie, if I was him, I'd be done with the Marvel business. You were mutually beneficial to each other for a hot minute, but that time has passed.

My bad, I got on my soap box, but this is my blog and I do what I want! Anyways! Eyes of Wakanda. It's a wonderfully short 4 episode series. It doesn't overstay it's welcome and there is rich, fertile ground for this franchise as a whole. Let's get to my review:

• I was not a fan of this animation style at first. It had to grow on me.
• With the above being said, it was very stylized and beautiful.
• Each episode is self contained, which is always welcomed. I'm a much bigger fan of episodic story telling.
• My favorite episode was the third one by far. It had a prior version of Iron Fist.
• The voice acting in each episode was very good. 
• I can't harp on it enough that I loved the episodic nature. The only through line is, Wakanda has had spies around the world forever in order to protect their secrets. Don't need more than that.
• Each episode is about 25 minutes, so you could watch it in one sitting if you choose.

There's really not much else I can say, since the series was so short. I highly recommend watching it. Side note, if you like the African nature of this show, I also suggest checking out "Iyanu" on HBO Max. They are completely unrelated, other than it has Africans in it. I'm just using Eyes of Wakanda as a gateway to another black, animated show. I'm nothing if not transparent.

I hope the powers that be give this show more episodes. 

The Fantastic Four: First Steps

My dream as a long time FF fan has come true. They did not only a good movie, but a GREAT Fantastic Four movie. Dare I say...Fantastic?!

I know the bar was extremely low, but this movie did all the things the other movies failed to do. Combined.

At this point, I don't think I have to provide proof, but I will anyways. For those of you that have seen my comic book collection, you will know that it is pretty massive. Let's just say the most of one title I have is Fantastic Four comics. They are one of the very few comics I've bought every issue consistently for the past 20 years without breaks. I've endured a lot of ups and downs with the series, so I feel like I have a pretty good feel on them. I want you to trust me as an expert. Or at least someone who is speaking as a big fan and then you can still dismiss me.

This movie combines the best elements of the characters for this movie. Let me get my review. I am going to gush a lot about this movie, so let me put this into my new bullet point format so it's easier to see my thoughts. I warn you that this will be long because I have a lot to say, 99% positive.

• We need to put more respect on Pedro Pascal's name. He did the unimaginable and that is make Reed Richards likeable. For context, in the comics, by and large, Reed Richards is a dick. He's a know it all that commands his team (his freakin' family) like they work for him. Even though he has arguably the worst power set of this team. His defining characteristic is that he is smart. We'll put a pin in this.
• Given the above, I'm glad that they gave the rest of the team something to do and further defined their roles in the dynamic. This was the best version of each of these characters, leaving behind a lot of the tropes they get caught up in for DECADES:
• Johnny does a mini-quest and is helpful later on in unraveling the personal side of the Silver Surfer. Even though he is the "hot head" they toned that quality down a lot in this movie. In the comics, he can be insufferable and always shown as immature. Here, they manage that a lot better.
• Sue is more than just the "Invisible Girl" a moniker she had way too long in the comic books. Because you know, mysogny. Yes, she is the mother, but she also helps broker peace treaties, so she is not blindly following Reed around and doing what he says like a doting wife. I would argue she's the most powerful member of the team and she displays that in the movie.
• The Thing. Thank God that for once, we don't have mopey, sad-sack ass Ben Grimm. He's come to grips with his condition and I'm glad we don't waste movie time dwelling on it. They've just now got past that in the books. He's also the gentle giant and heart of the film. 
• Going back to Reed, we see him wrestling with not always having the answers and explains his motivations for why he is always trying to come up with solutions for everything. In this movie, while he has the ego that only he can fix it, it feels more altruistic. Also, he can admit when he's wrong.
• This movie found an inventive (and short) way of explaining their origin. We don't have to see everything that leads to their powers, we get it in snippets as part of a TV show. More modern day super heroes need to spend less time on the origin and get to the action. I didn't spend money to watch an hour of heroes start to get it together.
• They really toned down the antagonistic relationship between the Thing and the Human Torch. In the previous movies and comics, they did this to a cartoonish degree to the point you ask, "Are y'all even friends?" Here, they clearly love and respect each other. I hate to say it, but that is refreshing.
• When this movie was first announced, I was not happy that we jumped straight to Galactus. This movie proved me wrong. They handled the threat well and they did this by establishing that the Fantastic Four have had their powers for years and have been dealing with the threats. We just didn't get to see them in detail, but it's covered. So this movie doesn't start with that being the very first threat they see.
• I felt like there was a palpable chemistry between the actors in this movie and for once, the FF felt like an actual family. Other movies tried to force the idea on it, but here they naturally feel like one. Again, this is refreshing, since they are refered to as "The First Family." This sounds like something very basic, but you'd be surprised how they got this part completely wrong in all the movies.
• For all those bellyaching about Norrid Radd not being the Silver Surfer in this movie, relax. This whole movie takes place in an alternate dimension anyway, so that frees them up. Shala Bal is the perfect choice for this movie and I think is represented very well here. I love the way they presentered her arc.
• If you loved that 60's aesthetic, you get a whole movie of that here and I loved that design choice with the way the FF is constructed and the world they are living in. It's gorgeous and bright. This includes their choice of costumes.
• As a long time fan, I loved that they name check a bunch of their rogues gallery, without wasting too much time showing them. Because their gallery is too goofy. They name checked The Wizard, Puppet Master, Red Ghost and Diablo. We spend some time with Mole Man, who will play a part.
• The special effects were very good in this movie. 
• If I had any complaints, Mr. Fantastic's stetchiness did not look great. Same for the CG baby Franklin they use in some scenes.
• The movie, like a good mystery, sprinkles in foreshadowing and breadcrumbs that are called back to later. So when things happen, they're not coming out of the blue, they already set it up earlier so it makes sense later.
• H.E.R.B.I.E.! That is all. Loved he had a functional usage and maybe it will be a cool toy for the kiddos.
• I loved the action shown in the action scenes. It was a good use of everyone's powers. I will not quibble about what they did or didn't do. For example, Sue can do way more than what she does here.
• The one negative thing I want to say is I am tired of this Marvel movie bullshit of having stingers at the end of the movies, just to tie it to other movies. At this point, people are either in or out. You don't need to tease the next damn movie or say, "The Fantastic Four will appear next in X". No shit, we'll see it when it comes out.
• The final thing I want to point out is how this movie affected me personally. Now that I'm a parent, the central conflict circles around Reed and Sue's baby, Franklin. They make a choice that ANY parent would make, but they play out what it really means in the context of their family. The world turns on them for it and they further explain the choice. But if it was me, I'd make the same choice too, the World be damned.
• There's humor here, but unlike the normal Marvel way, they don't over do it.

If you made it this far, congratulations. You're a dedicated reader and very much appreciated by me. Thanks for coming to read my review. My bold proclamation is that after watching this movie, it has moved into my top 3 Marvel films. In fact, I think the order will now go: Black Panther, Fantastic Four: First Steps, Captain America: Winter Soldier.

This was the movie I have always wanted out of the FF. I had to be calmed down by the friend I was watching it with because I was ready to jump out of my skin with excitement. I was smiling from ear to ear throughout and couldn't believe I was experiencing this. At no point did I feel disappointed or bored. After "The Incredibles" being the best Fantastic Four movie for years, I will give my personal title to this movie instead.